Past, Future, & Present Danger (Book Two of The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue) Read online

  Past, Future, & Present Danger

  The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue

  (Book 2)

  by Joshua Price

  Smashwords Edition

  Copyright © 2011 by Joshua Price

  No time streams were damaged during the writing of this novel, at least none that will be missed. Trust me, they had it coming.

  For Bryanna,

  Because dedicating two books to myself would just be weird.

  The Professional Log, or Prolog(ue)

  Captain Rescue dangled helplessly as splashing erupted from the churning waters below. As the blood rushed to his head, the hero realized just how many nights he spent hanging upside down like this while his cape tickled the back of his neck. Most of the time, it was due to the antics of a certain super villain, but sometimes, just sometimes, the hero did it to himself—completely by accident. He just happened to get his foot caught, and he just happened to wind up upside down.

  Looking back, Captain Rescue could see how suspicious the ad was. He probably should have thought twice before picking up the handwritten note someone slid underneath his door, but it said free kittens, and Captain Rescue could not resist free kittens. At the time, he thought nothing of it, but when he arrived at the abandoned cat litter factory and someone knocked him over the head, he thought that, in all likelihood, it was a trap. When he woke up and found himself suspended over a pool of who-knows-what, Captain Rescue found those suspicions confirmed. He struggled out of frustration more than an attempt to free himself as the chains above clanged together. The hero swung back and forth, looking first to the water below and then to the factory surrounding him. Before long, he found her standing on a catwalk and looking just as malevolent as ever.

  The super villain laughed. “I am honestly astonished that you fell right into my trap! It was a longshot, but you have proved me wrong yet again, Captain Rescue!”

  “But the flier said free kittens…” the hero grumbled.

  “Yes, it was a test to see how easily I could trap you!”

  “Did I pass?”

  Dr. Malevolent smiled. “With flying colors.”

  He glanced down just as a large fin emerged from the turbulent waters. “Oh god! Sharks!” Captain Rescue yelped.

  “Wrong!”

  A familiar whistle filled his ears. “Dolphins?! Aren’t… aren’t they naturally docile?”

  “Not these! In fact, they’ve been conditioned to… how do put this is layman’s terms… to bite your face off!”

  Captain Rescue cried out in terror as a dolphin leapt from the water and grabbed hold of his cape. With a sharp jerk, the animal ripped it from its spandex clasps.

  The hero’s eyes began to well up. “But what about the camping trip!? You said you’d go!”

  Dr. Malevolent sighed and slammed her fists against the catwalk railing. “Alright, I’ll make you a deal. If you are somehow able to make it out of my death trap alive, then I will go on this camping trip with you. However, I will probably try to kill you multiple times during it.”

  While still dangling upside down, Captain Rescue grew quiet for a moment as he thought the proposal over. “You have a deal,” he finally said.

  Dr. Malevolent smiled merrily and lightly tapped the shiny red button before her. The pulley system suspending the hero dropped him a foot towards the water.

  “Wait! Wait! Aren’t you at least going to tell me about your evil plans of evilness?”

  Dr. Malevolent appeared confused. “This is it. You are my plan. I spent six months out at sea capturing and conditioning dolphins to kill you. I gave you that ad to lure you to this factory, and I had Boris here whack you over the head with a metal pipe so we could string you up and feed you to them.”

  Captain Rescue nodded. “I did think there was something suspicious about free kittens at an abandoned factory.”

  “Don’t lie, you just expected free kittens, and now you’re disappointed there aren’t any.”

  “Wow,” he stammered, “you know me so well.”

  “Too well.”

  As Dr. Malevolent pressed the button once more, Captain Rescue fell another foot closer to the increasingly turbulent water. As he squirmed and twisted, the hero realized he did not have the flexibility to slide his hands out of the taut rope or the strength to rip them free, but his utility belt did, and it just so happened that Dr. Malevolent left it wrapped around his waist. Captain Rescue slammed his knuckles against the belt and a sharp razor blade shot out. He quickly sliced through the rope—as well as piece of his hand—and the bonds tumbled into the pool below.

  Her right hand man reached for the button to release Captain Rescue, but Dr. Malevolent stopped him. “No, let’s watch him struggle a little, Boris.”

  “Why won’t you call me Charlie? It’s all I’ve ever asked of you!”

  “For starters, that’s not even your real name. Besides, I have enough trouble calling you Charlie when you’re wearing that stupid damned bunny outfit. I’m not doing it when you’re not.”

  “But your name isn’t even Dr. Malevolent,” he pouted.

  “Just shut up and watch the show,” she answered irritably.

  Captain Rescue took a deep breath and gazed at his feet high above him. The hero mustered all his strength, reached up, and then tried to pull himself to his ankles, but it was harder than it sounded. He still had a hard time wrapping his head around how much physical labor was required to do this crime-fighting thing. The hero tried once more; this time he managed to grab hold of the rope around his ankles and was able to hoist himself up. Feeling accomplished, Captain Rescue hastily untied his feet and slipped them free of their binds. Immediately—and quite strangely—the pulley system started to shrink rapidly and the hero hadn’t the foggiest clue why. Milliseconds later, he splashed back first into the pool and faded underneath the churning waters.

  Dr. Malevolent leapt into the air, cheering as if she had won the lottery, and then gripped the railing in excitement. The super villain leaned over and watched as Captain Rescue’s head bobbed in and out of the water screaming for help. She couldn’t wait to fish whatever was left of him out of the water. Dr. Malevolent would then take the mangled cadaver back to her evil headquarters for all her evil friends to admire. She slapped Boris’s shoulder and laughed, and then the two scurried down from the catwalk to get a better look at the pool.

  ***

  “Go get that ladder,” She ordered while jumping up and down to catch a glimpse of the water’s surface.

  While Boris darted off, Dr. Malevolent stayed near the pool waiting for it to fill with blood, but as the seconds ticked by, the turbulence faded without any signs of that lovely color. Just when the super villain began to think that perhaps Captain Rescue had magically disappeared, a hand broke the surface of the water and gripped the rim of the pool. She let out a startled screech as a drenched lump tumbled over the edge and collapsed against the ground below like a wet washcloth. A trio of dolphins stuck their heads out of the pool and whistled with glee. The hero’s suit was in tatters, but aside from a few bumps and bruises, he appeared unscathed.

  “What!” Dr. Malevolent yelled, “They didn’t kill you?!”

  Captain Rescue shivered. “No, they didn’t seem too interested in killing me.”

  “Then what on earth happened in there?”

  “I’d really rather not talk about it.”

  Captain Rescue stumbled to his feet as Boris came running up with a ladder in his hands. While ringin
g the water from his spandex, the hero glared at the two of them. Boris dropped the ladder, which clattered against the ground, and grabbed the same pipe he used to subdue the hero in the first place. He took Captain Rescue by the collar and lifted him from the ground. With the hero in one hand and the pipe in the other, Boris smiled.

  “You don’t want to do that!” the hero argued.

  “And why not?”

  “I’d be forced to do this!” Captain Rescue shouted.

  In the blink of an eye, the hero dove into his utility belt, grabbed a small vial filled with a red liquid, and splashed it into Boris’s eyes. The henchman immediately released his grip of both the metal pipe and the hero. The latter of which fell his knees and then slowly got to his feet. With a wicked smirk, the hero watched as Boris stumbled backwards rubbing his sore eyes. While the henchman was still stunned, Captain Rescue grabbed the pipe off the ground and marched across the factory floor as the hunk of metal scraped across the ground with an ear-piercing shriek.

  “What the…” Boris moaned, “What did you put in my eyes?”

  Captain Rescue lifted the pipe and pulled it back. “Hot sauce!” the hero cried as he cracked Boris upside the head.

  The henchman spun around and fell over, revealing Dr. Malevolent cowering behind him. Captain Rescue walked towards her while tapping his palm with the metal pipe.

  She took a step back. “Uh, there’s no need to resort to violence.”

  He continued his advance without saying a word.

  “It was nothing personal—really—I was just doing my job.”

  Captain Rescue stopped, his nose almost touching hers, and continued to tap the metal rod against his palm.

  “Uh… I’m sorry.”

  “So,” the hero finally spoke, “camping trip, are you in?”

  Dr. Malevolent sighed. “Sure, fine, whatever. Just don’t beat me.”

  Captain Rescue dropped the pipe, grinned, and gave the super villain a hug.

  Chapter 1: Why Must There Always Be Skinny Dipping?

  “Oh, the wheels on the bus go round and round,” Captain Rescue repeated from the second row seat of the borrowed school bus.

  Directly behind him, Dr. Malevolent clenched her fists in an attempt to keep the veins in her neck from bursting and her pounding temples from disturbing everyone around her. She knew replying to just one of the flurry of emails Captain Rescue sent in the months following the zombie outbreak was a bad idea. “Camping trip” this, “we should get together” that, and as another verse of “Wheels on the Bus” began, the super villain reeled around and smacked her arch-nemesis across the face with her inanimate carbon rod.

  The hero rubbed his sore jaw. “I thought everyone loved that song.”

  “On the contrary,” Dr. Malevolent said as she slid the rod back into its holster, “adults hate that song.”

  “But… I love it,” Captain Rescue whined before crossing his arms and pouting.

  “You and every other third grader I know.”

  “Did you just call me a third grader?” he asked with a childish snarl.

  “Yes.”

  “Does it bother you that you belittle people like you do?”

  She rolled her eyes and said dryly, “No.”

  The school bus shook violently as the roads leading towards the campsite degraded with each mile traveled, and sure, Freight’s inability to drive a school bus played a part as well. When they realized nobody had a clue how to drive one of these clunky vehicles, everyone drew straws. Since Freight happened to get the shortest, he won bus-driver privileges, and the giant man would make sure they regretted forcing him into this position by spitefully gunning the bus whenever he saw an opportunity to unleash the most discomfort possible, and these roads made the job easy.

  Captain Rescue heard the radio spouting something interesting, so he leaned over his seat and cranked up the volume.

  “Reports indicate that an alarming percentage of campers going into the woods within the last few months have disappeared entirely. Authorities are at a loss to explain who’s behind these disappearances. Let this be a warning to any prospective campers out there this weekend.”

  “Oh great!” Dr. Malevolent said as she glared Captain Rescue, “Not only do I have to spend an entire weekend with you, we might not make it out of this alive.”

  Freight laughed. “I don’t know. We made quick work of a few thousand zombies.”

  Captain Rescue’s eyes beamed. “Yes, let’s save this hapless campers and make the new citizens of our fair city love us all over!”

  By new citizens, Captain Rescue meant the droves of people lured to their city to replace the ones killed by zombification and then rekilled. It only took a few weeks and a few well-placed internet ads to get this done, but the buffer period left the city a veritable ghost town as people trickled in. Captain Rescue found the entire situation quite exhilarating as he paraded around an abandoned city completely naked, save his mask. No hero would ever leave the safety of a secret base without his or her mask. That was just insane. Without a mask, a superhero would just be a crazy person in a costume.

  “So, Captain Rescue,” Dr. Malevolent snarled indignantly, “where is this fabled camp site we’re going to spend a few hours at before we’re all killed.”

  “Oh, I dunno, I just thought we’d rough it and pick the first spot that looks decent.”

  “Not surprising at all, let’s just stop here. It seems suspicious enough.”

  Freight slammed his huge foot against the brake pedal and the bus jolted forward, throwing everyone against the seats in front of them. Once Captain Rescue finished peeling his face off the fake leather, he cheered and scurried into the cool forest air. Following him off the bus was Boris, who descended the steps with a large duffel bag in his hands. Before departing on this little road trip, Dr. Malevolent threatened to fire him if he came as that damn rabbit. Her right hand man did as instructed, but he brought Charlie with him just in case. As Dr. Malevolent followed Boris off the bus, she slammed her shoulder against him, and the super villain could not help but to cringe at the duffel bag and its contents.

  After wandering aimlessly through the woods for almost an hour, the campers found just the spot to pitch their tents: an abandoned campsite. All over, tents had collapsed under the weight of forest leaves. Apparently, the original campers fled in a hurry and left behind everything they brought with them, including an overturned cooler. Its contents of rotten sandwiches had spilled onto the forest floor, where ants tried their best to penetrate the cellophane cocoon.

  “Do I even want to know where these campers went?” Dr. Malevolent asked as she poked the plastic baggies with her foot.

  Freight chuckled. “I doubt it.”

  “They’re missing!” Captain Rescue exclaimed as he stood upon the charred campfire, “We have to save them—right after we make s’mores!”

  The hero grabbed the reins of the backpack he had strapped over his shoulder and flung it to the ground. He tore into it, and within a fraction of a second, a pile of yummy goodness had risen before him.

  “I’m glad you’re putting your own juvenile love for sweets ahead of saving people. You are a true hero,” Dr. Malevolent said as she stared at the disgusting pile of junk food next to the hero.

  With a mouthful of pastries and surely about to choke, Captain Rescue mumbled, “Pfft, we just got done saving the world like yesterday. I need a break; I’m pooped.”

  “By ‘like yesterday’ you must mean ‘a few months ago.’ And in the meantime you’ve been quiet lazy, as your 40 emails a day would imply.”

  “I thought we hit it off pretty well,” Captain Rescue argued as food spilled from his lips.

  “No, we didn’t. I want to kill you.”

  Her words did not seem to faze him in the least. He just smiled at her as he piled wood onto the fire so he could make s’mores.

  “Wait a sec,” Dr. Malevolent said, resurrecting the conversation, “how did you even get my emai
l.”

  The hero poked the fire and almost melted his cape. “Your website—the contact information.”

  “I guess I should have figured that one out, [email protected] did have a nice ring to it.”

  “It most certainly did!”

  “Shut up.”

  Freight interrupted their banter by running off into the woods alone. Nobody took much notice of his disappearance, and Captain Rescue continued to stifle the fire with one hand as he dug through his backpack for graham crackers, marsh mellows, and chocolate bars. The hero barely paid attention to the cinders flung about, which were sure to send a certain bunny’s suit up in flames. A few minutes later, Freight reemerged from the woods with blood drenching his plaid shirt and denim overalls and a deer carcass slung over his shoulders. Without acknowledging the others, he strutted over to the campfire and tossed the large corpse onto the flames, smothering both the fire and Captain Rescue’s valiant attempt at making s’mores.

  “I don’t think we can cook it like that,” Boris said as darkness enveloped him and everyone else.

  “Who said anything about cooking it?” Freight laughed, “I just did not want that retard to set the entire camp on fire while he tried to make s’mores. We’re going to eat it raw.”

  “Isn’t that really dangerous?”

  “For you, maybe. I’m a man.”

  “You don’t have to tell me twice.”

  As the gang watched Freight feast, they thought that maybe he had spent a little too much time with the zombies. The ghastly sight ruined their appetites. He flayed open the deer’s chest with his bare hands and shoveled pieces of bloody meat into his mouth. Into the cavity went his forearm and out came organ after organ. The man would rip out a single hunk of flesh with his teeth, eat it, and then toss the bloody mess to the dirt. Twenty-five seconds after the encounter started, Freight had picked the deer bones clean. As they watched him, the others had the nagging suspicion that his insanity had only grown since the zombie apocalypse’s explosive conclusion.