A Mind Not Worth Controlling (A Captain Rescue Short Story) Read online

  Just before Captain Rescue could sneak up on the armed crooks and clock one of them upside the head, they turned and noticed him. As they lifted their pistols and aimed them for the hero, he tossed the small ball at them and dove into one of the side rooms. Bridget watched it fly through the air, smack one of the crooks on the forehead, and explode into a wondrous grey cloud that enveloped him and his armed friends. Yelling ensued and the crooks began firing randomly within the cloud. To avoid one of those gunshot wounds she feared very much, Bridget dove into the conference room.

  “I’m going for all you dirty criminals!” Captain Rescue shouted from down the hall. The gunfire amplified as the crooks tried to kill him. They surely assumed that he was darting around in the grey smoke picking them off one by one, but he was actually hiding in one of the side rooms waiting for the bad guys to shoot each other in the chaos. It was a plan that had actually worked for him in the past.

  After a few seconds, the random gunfire died down and the smoke cleared. Captain Rescue and Bridget poked their heads out of their respective rooms; the former of which smiled at the wounded criminals bleeding on the ground. As far as the hero could tell, they were still alive, more or less. Captain Rescue waltzed triumphantly out of the room he had called home for the past seven minutes and headed towards Bridget and the conference hall.

  He stepped through its threshold beaming like a child that had just incinerated an insect under his magnifying glass. “Did you see how awesome I was back there? Those crooks didn’t know what hit them!”

  She scratched the side of her cheek. “But uh… what about the hostages.”

  Captain Rescue’s arrogant smirk vanished. “Oops.”

  From the front of the office building, there was a crash and a rush of feet as the police swarmed into the building.

  “Wow,” one of them yelled down the hall, “you did amazing work Captain Rescue. All of the criminals have been, uh, neutralized, and only one of the hostages was injured! And all he lost was a finger!”

  “See,” he said to Bridget, “I fixed it.”

  Despite the risk of his brain spontaneously exploding, she finally decided to confront him. “Are you absolutely sure you’re feeling alright? Nothing I’ve heard about you ever suggests that you make it a habit to put innocent lives at risk. You’re a hero for gosh sakes!”

  Captain Rescue eyed her down suspiciously. “Whatever could you mean?”

  Bridget rolled her eyes and leaned in close to him. “I think you might be mind controlled! It’s the only thing that can explain how odd you’re acting.”

  Captain Rescue laughed. “Who would want to control my mind?”

  She put her hands on her waist like a mini superhero. “That’s what I intend to find out! When was the last time you came into contact with your arch nemesis, Dr. Malevolent.”

  Captain Rescue scratched his head. “It’s been a few weeks! She’s been oddly quiet since we last uh… fought.”

  “Well,” Bridget shrugged, “have you encountered anything strange recently? Any weird substances… or spinning black and white spirals?”

  Captain Rescue looked into the sky, thinking deeply. “I don’t think so.”

  The young girl bit her lip. “It’s weird. It’s like you woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”

  “I did!” Captain Rescue exclaimed.

  “What do you mean, you did?”

  He adorned an angry face. “I woke up staring at that damn wall, and all I could think of was how badly I wanted to punch it.”

  Bridget laughed a crazy laugh. “Wait. Are you trying to tell me that this foul mood you’re in is because you literally woke up on the wrong side of the bed?”

  Captain Rescue didn’t look so surprised. “If you don’t start your day off right. It’s ruined!”

  Bridget threw her hands into the air. “I guess that explains everything!” As Captain Rescue started to head down the hall and towards the hostages and wounded criminals, she added, “Wait, where are you going?”

  He shrugged. “My work here is done. I have to go find more bad guys to beat up.”

  She darted off after him. “We have to find some way to lift your spirits, so you don’t anyone killed.”

  Captain Rescue wove around the wounded criminals and their pools of blood as paramedics swarmed into the building to treat the wounded. One of the gunmen grabbed at his ankle as he passed by, and the hero just kicked him away and then spit on him. Bridget was going to have to do something fast.

  As they exited through the smashed open doors, their feet crunching against shattered glass, she stopped Captain Rescue. “We have to find some way to turn your day around. What’s one way you bring yourself up when you’re down?”

  His eyes lit up. “Ice cream always cheers me up when I’m down!”

  Bridget laughed. “I guess that’s a good place to start.”

  They exited the office building and headed towards The Rescue Machine as police all around congratulated the hero on a job well done, even if his antics did cost one of the hostages his finger. As they climbed into his tiny car, Bridget piped up, “Good thing there’s an ice cream parlor right around the corner!”

  Captain Rescue just gave her a wicked smile and then put the pedal to the metal, hopping down from the curb and speeding directly into traffic. Bridget resumed her position buried underneath the dashboard and waited patiently for them to either die spectacularly or arrive safely at the ice cream parlor. After a few excruciatingly nervous minutes, Bridget felt the tiny vehicle screech to a stop, followed by the distinct sound of metal hitting the concrete and coins raining against the sidewalk. She lifted her head up and saw the glorious spinning ice cream cone sitting atop the parlor’s roof as well as the knocked over meter. They had arrived—and in one piece.

  “Ice cream, ice cream, in cream, ice cream!” Captain Rescue chanted as he climbed out of the rescue machine and approached the wondrous building, a wondrous building that he recognized instantly from his trip into the future. As Bridget came up behind the hero, he barged through the double glass doors and approached the server across the counter. “Gimme two sundaes for me and my friend,” he said as rudely as possible.

  “Uh, sure thing,” the server replied nervously. Bridget just tried to apologize subtly as the employee knelt down and began scooping ice cream from the bucket-filled counter. After a few seconds, she fashioned a pair of the most delicious ice cream sundaes imaginable. The server placed them both upon the counter and then stuck a spoon in each one. Captain Rescue snatched the nearest and stormed out of the ice cream parlor without saying thank you—or paying.

  Bridget turned to the employee and winced as she paid for both of the ice creams. “I’m sorry, he’s been acting really strange today. I thought maybe some ice cream would cheer—”

  A shatter of glass interrupted her explanation, and Bridget swung around just as Captain Rescue barged back through the doors. Behind him, the remains of the sundae lay all over the ground with only a handful of bites taken out of it. Everyone grew quiet as Captain Rescue stared at the server across the counter. Bridget cringed, expecting the hero to berate the girl over something mundane, but no—his eyes began to well up. The few bites of ice cream had snapped him out of his funk.

  “I’m so sorry!” Captain Rescue cried out as he fell to his knees and bawled like a child. He clamored to his feet and then started to jump over the counter, but quickly stopped when he remembered how badly that idea went the last time. The hero had frightening memories of falling into the buckets and becoming forever entangled in them. Since these memories weren’t anything he wanted to relive, he just ran to the right and through the waist high door leading into the back. Captain Rescue grabbed the server and gave her the tightest bear hug of her life. “You’re a wonderful human being, and I’m sorry!”

  He turned to Bridget. “And you, I would still be that monster if it wasn’t for you!”

  She laughed. “You weren’t that bad.”

/>   “Some guy lost a finger because of me, and loads of other people are in the hospital!”

  “Well,” Bridget began, “let this be a lesson to you.”

  Captain Rescue placed his hands heroically upon his waist. “Yes, ice cream cures all problems.”

  He grabbed Bridget by the wrist and led her back out of the ice cream parlor. “Let’s go kid, you’ll be my sidekick for the rest of the day! We’ll sure you how a real hero acts!”

  The temporary sidekick waved goodbye to the ice cream server and followed behind Captain Rescue. She had single handedly fixed him, and was damn proud. Even if the reason for his behavior was as mundane as waking up on the wrong side of the bed, and even if the remedy was as simple as a few bites of ice cream. With Bridget’s help, Captain Rescue had returned to his normal heroic self. They climbed back into The Rescue Machine and drove off into the sunset on a quest to find more innocents to help, more lives to save, and more criminals to put behind bars—without killing or maiming any of them.

  If you were one of the few that happened to enjoy this short story, be sure to check out Captain Rescue’s full-length novels. They are comfortably quick and quite awesome. These novels, “Not Everything Brainless is Dead” and “Past, Future, & Present Danger”, are the two first entries into The Absurd Misadventures of Captain Rescue, and a romping good time!

  About the author (me!):

  Josh Price (1986-2117 [assuming the continued advancement of technology and barring any civilization ending catastrophes]) is an independent writer, specializing in short, hilarious and witty books in an ongoing series of superhero adventures. He grew up in Texas, but now spends his days in Missouri, where he has no real life friends (but oodles of internet ones) and hardly leaves the house. In his spare time, which he has an awful lot of, he writes, plays video games, listens to music, and hangs around the house naked. In that order.

  Table of Contents

  A Mind Not Worth Controlling (A Captain Rescue Short Story)

  Midpoint

 

 

  Joshua Price, A Mind Not Worth Controlling (A Captain Rescue Short Story)

 

 

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